It’s a rainy Sunday–of course it is–but it’s too late to change my mind. It’s set. “It’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?” I ask myself for the nth time. In the end, how do you know if you’ve really given it a shot? When is it time to really say I really care, but it’s not love?
“Here I go again.” Enough, it’s time: I grab an umbrella, put on my jacket and rush out into the rain. There, in the middle of Milan’s Piazza del Duomo, I see her. She’s smiling; it’s not a good start I think. As I get closer, she closes her umbrella, joins me under mine and embraces me, holding my arm a braccetto. We start walking, and for a second I go back to that night six months earlier when we had met.
It was a Saturday night in 2016, electronic music night at TOM, and it was great. I hear it’s not the same anymore. This time I was there alone, waiting for friends. I liked to close my eyes and dance, forget the week for a little and just move. Fifteen minutes later, I was dancing with her, and it just worked. After that first encounter, it took a few days before we could fix our schedules and see each other. I think we both expected it might not happen–better play it cool.
“Te come stai?, Per le 7:30 dovrei essere fuori” / “How are you?, I should be out by 7:30”
“Ciao!! Io sono in alto mare possiamo rimandare a lunedi?” / “Hello!! I’m on the high seas can we postpone until monday?”
“Ma che figurati anche’io mi sa che farò tardi in ufficio, buono studio ci sentiamo nel weekend” / “Don’t worry, I guess I’ll be late for the office too, have a good study, see you on the weekend”
“si perfetto, buona serata :)” / “yes perfect, good evening :)”
“Aperitivo domani?” / “Aperitivo tomorrow?”
“Come sei messo mercoledi? Io ho un esame martedi mattina” / “How are you on Wednesday? I have an exam on Tuesday morning”
“Ah va bene, nessun probelma ti confermo domani, buonanotte” / “Ah okay, no problem, I’ll confirm tomorrow, good night”
“perfetto a domani notte” / “perfect see you tomorrow night”
“Ehi ciao, Allora ci vediamo domani 7:30 ok? / “Hey hi, See you tomorrow 7:30 ok?”
“Si perfetto! In che zona?” / “Yes, perfect! In which area?”
The day after I brought her flowers, her flowers. Every person has a flower; she was a tulip. We had a great time, and I enjoyed talking with someone who had lived and gone through more than just university. I had graduated a little over a year earlier, but it already felt like a long time. She was 29, I was 23, she had just returned to university after a career in modeling, and I had started working with enthusiasm and big ideas. In some way, it felt like there was no age difference; we understood each other. At least at the time it felt that way. We went to contemporary art galleries, ran together and talked about our next steps in life. I was committed to giving it some time. This time I was going to try to fall in love and not fall out of it.
Six months later and we are here under the rain, she is holding my arm, and I’m about to tell her I ended up not falling in love. I really want her to understand that I tried, I really did, but at that moment I have to accept she won’t believe me. I have to be put in a box: the man that never really wanted to be in a relationship. But what really matters, in the end, is that for the first time, I feel that I really gave love a shot. We say our goodbyes and walk opposite ways under the rain. It will be the last time we ever see each other. That’s how it happens sometimes I guess. I still find this the weirdest thing about dating: you are something and then *poof* nothing again. From now on, I will keep trying to fall in love and trying not to fall out of it.
